War of the Gods: A Divine Comedy by SamsaraWithWords is a fantasy novel, Would you like it if today you suddenly went from being normal to becoming a God? Before you answer, the catch is there’s an apocalypse coming and you have to recruit Earth’s greatest ancient Generals and Gods into your army to prevent it. Wait, one more catch, it turns out most of them are dirtbags and trolls. I’m warning you, maybe you should read the story before you answer. Read War of the Gods: A Divine Comedy Blurb Below.
War of the Gods: A Divine Comedy Blurb
Bernard Benson wasn’t exactly a hero in the making. An accountant by trade and a couch potato by passion, his greatest battles were waged against stubborn spreadsheets and the ever-expanding waistline on his favorite pair of sweatpants. So, when a booming voice echoed through his apartment, declaring him the “Chosen One,” destined to prevent the apocalypse, Bernard did what any sensible, slightly overweight accountant would do – he choked on his instant ramen.
The voice, emanating from a swirling vortex that had inexplicably materialized in his living room, belonged to none other than Hermes, the Greek messenger god. Not exactly known for his patience, Hermes launched into a rapid-fire explanation. Apparently, the veil separating dimensions was weakening, threatening to unleash a horde of monstrous entities upon Earth. To prevent this cataclysmic event, Bernard, with his (supposedly) unmatched leadership skills (according to Hermes’ dubious assessment), had to assemble a team of legendary warriors – gods and historical figures alike.
Bernard, still struggling to process the fact his bland Tuesday night had taken a turn towards the mythological, spluttered, “Me? Lead an army? Against monsters? But I can barely handle a rogue stapler at work!”
Hermes, ever the divine showman, snapped his fingers. Bernard’s ramen-stained sweatpants morphed into gleaming golden armor, his thinning hair into a glorious, flowing mane. A celestial broadsword materialized in his hand, pulsating with an otherworldly energy. Bernard, now resembling a slightly bewildered, middle-aged Thor, stared at his reflection in a puddle of spilled soy sauce. This was definitely not how he pictured his midlife crisis unfolding.
Thus began Bernard’s odyssey into the bizarre and often hilarious world of the gods. His first stop – Valhalla. Here, amidst the cacophony of feasting warriors and clinking steins, he encountered the legendary Odin, the one-eyed Allfather. Odin, a gruff old deity with a penchant for cryptic riddles, wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of joining forces with a mortal accountant. But after a series of trials involving riddle-solving, mead-drinking contests (which Bernard, to his surprise, aced), and a near-death experience with a particularly aggressive frost giant, Odin grudgingly agreed.
Next on the recruitment list was Sun Wukong, the Monkey King from Chinese mythology. Now, Sun Wukong wasn’t your typical divine warrior. He was a mischievous trickster god, a relentless prankster with a monkey’s insatiable appetite for trouble. Bernard found himself navigating a fantastical landscape, dodging falling peaches (courtesy of Sun Wukong’s playful sabotage) and negotiating with the Monkey King, who demanded a lifetime supply of bananas (and free reign to wreak occasional havoc) in exchange for his help.
As Bernard assembled his motley crew – a stoic Roman legionnaire, a beautiful but deadly Egyptian goddess with a scathing wit, a grumpy Celtic druid who cursed more than he cast spells – he realized leading this dysfunctional team was a bigger challenge than facing any apocalypse. They bickered amongst themselves, questioned his authority (rightfully so, in some cases), and generally made Bernard’s life a living mythology textbook.
But amidst the chaos, Bernard discovered a hidden wellspring of leadership. He used his strategic mind (honed by years of spreadsheet wrangling) to devise battle plans. His unexpected charisma (a side effect of the divine makeover) kept the team from tearing each other apart. And his surprising tolerance for the gods’ shenanigans (developed through sheer necessity) somehow managed to hold them together.
Their journey took them across continents and through time itself. They faced monstrous creatures ripped from nightmares, battled rival factions vying for control of the weakening veil, and even encountered a group of conspiracy theorists who, hilariously, believed the entire apocalypse was a government hoax.
Through it all, Bernard learned that being a god wasn’t all sunshine and divine pronouncements. It was about responsibility, about making difficult choices, and about leading a team of gloriously dysfunctional deities who, despite their flaws, possessed the power to save the world, or at least cause a spectacular mess trying.
As they neared the epic showdown, Bernard, the once-ordinary accountant, stood shoulder-to-shoulder with his divine team, a wry smile playing on his lips. He may not have signed up for this celestial chaos, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world (or at least, not his old, boring world). He was Bernard Benson, the Chosen One, the reluctant leader of a band of misfit gods, and he was about to face the apocalypse with a spreadsheet in one hand and a celestial broadsword in the other. It was going to be a wild ride.
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